I bought a new drill today and you were the first person I wanted to tell. I wonder when that urge to tell you something will go away. It's not fair to want your attention anymore. You're not mine. But memories of you flash like neon signs in my brain with images of cuddles, smells, cars, radios, texts. You're my past tense now and I'm struggling to accept that.
It's been quiet since you've been gone. The sounds of your silence are haunting. The sound of you not texting me good night before you go to bed. The sound of you not calling me after a meeting--it visits me every night. You now fill other rooms with laughter--rooms occupied with other people. Rooms where I'm not welcome. Do you cuddle her on the same couch you fucked me on? I shouldn't focus on her. I'm surprised is all. That someone else is your girlfriend. It's a tough jagged little pill to swallow. Does she swallow?
I wonder if you do the things with her I always wanted--or do you just act in the same self-obsessed way? I awaited your curiosity. About me. About anything. You never asked me questions or tried to get to know me. I know I was hard, but you were hard too. You kept forgetting that I love cherries but hate cherry fizzy water. And you'd get mad but wouldn't communicate it. Did you know that you're moody? You should know that about yourself. I'm moody too, but I admit it. I don't hide behind a cowboy hat of bravado and self-righteousness. Your life philosophy that "if you don't mind it don't matter" was idealistic but inaccurate; you are the most uptight and serious person I know. As Aristotle said, you are what you repeatedly do--our actions form other people's opinions of us, not our thoughts or intentions. Your actions were hard sometimes.
I'd been starving for your attention for years. I was emotionally parched waiting for you to offer me even a crumb. And then...suddenly, you let your guard down--at year 7 of 9. And you know what's weird? I had grown so accustomed to your emotional unavailability that when you finally showed up, it was weird as shit. I felt so alone in that relationship that when you finally decided to show up, it felt like there were too many people involved. Because it was too late. You kept yourself kempt in a fucking fortress of self-preservation and when you finally came down it was so fucking eerie and misplaced that I didn't know what to do with it.
Could we have made it work? Do you think? I really don't know. All relationships have issues, but ours were too quiet-- we never fought. Which means we never worked out our differences--we just buried them further and further down. Cruise control is easy and comfortable, but it's also stifling. We weren't headed anywhere. I guess taking the risk and seeing how our future played out just didn't make sense; the logistics made it impossible. Yesterday someone told me that if we really wanted to make it work we would have found a way but I honestly can't see a path that led to us staying together forever, at least not happily. Even if we got engaged or married, it would be like, ok now what. Where do we live? What about my sister? And what about all your stuff? Your garage is a thing of nightmares. No, we played it out as long as we could. But it's still fucking hard to accept. That you're not in my life anymore. And I never for a million years thought we wouldn't be friends. Because we're not, and you should know that. Friends don't ignore and ghost their other friends. You know who does that? People with black hearts.
So it's really over? I need to let you go? OK. I'll do it. I know it's hard but not impossible. It just takes time. That was how you got through it, right? See, I wouldn't know because you didn't text me back because of your black heart.
I'll leave you now, but not before I say...
You're dreamy
You're really smart
Your job is fucking hot
Your taste in movies and TV is shit but your music selection is fantastic
I only want you to be happy and fulfilled but I don't think I could handle seeing you ever again
Sometimes I felt like you didn’t like me
Your reactive nature scared me and I often walked on eggshells around you
I appreciate that you finally welcomed me into your family
You work hard, not smart. It's infuriating because you could literally be as successful as some of those guys you admire
I loved holding your hand
I think your childhood really damaged you and by not addressing that pain and trauma, you are unable to be emotionally present
You have great hair
I melted a little hearing you speak Spanish
I love how you treated Abby
I miss your smell
I regret that we never had break-up sex
I considered us an AA power couple
I hate that I can't call you right now
And on and on and on and on...
That’s it. It’s time to let you go. Goodbye my sweet Baboo. I hope they make good banana bread on your side of the break-up.
oxox
